Mommy Pains

My daughter got hurt in her college dance club a few weeks ago.  I wasn’t going to write about it because #1) I am so damn busy, #2) I originally thought there wasn’t much to write about, and #3) after there became much to write about, I didn’t want to upset my daughter by writing about it.  But now after all we have gone through, I am hoping that instead of yelling at me, she will read this and say

Because really, I had a nervous breakdown over this whole thing.  Twice.

She first called me about an hour after she fell.

C:  Mom, I fell in dance and I am wondering if I broke a rib.

Me:  What happened?

C:  I was doing a back flip and

You were doing a back flip???  You don’t do back flips!!!  Do you?

Well, I was being spotted.  I have been doing them all along.  

So, you were being spotted?

Yea.  Well, I fell and I think I broke a rib because it really hurts.

Did you go to the health center?

No.  I got the wind knocked out of me and I lied there for about 15 minutes then one of the girls walked me back to my dorm.

Go to Urgent Care and get X-Rays.

She went to Urgent Care.  They did an exam of her back and said her spine is fine.  They scanned her ribs and said no fractured ribs.  She had a slight fever but other than that no issues except for the pain.  They gave her pain meds and sent her home.

A few days later, she called me back saying she still has a fever and it still hurts.  She went back to Urgent Care.  They did blood work, an urinalysis, a strep test, and a flu test.  She now had blood in her urine but all other tests came back negative.  They took a CT of her kidneys to see if there was blood around them and found none.  They gave her different pain meds and sent her home.  They told her that if the pain gets worse or the fever doesn’t get better, she should go to the hospital.

She told me a friend of hers had the whole thing on video.  I told her to send me the video.

Mom, are you sure you want to see it??

Caitlin, I am sure I DON’T want to see it but I am also sure that I SHOULD see it.  As a mom and an EMT, it would be irresponsible of me to not see it.  I want to see the Mechanism of Injury.

She sent it to me.  As it turns out, I really didn’t want to see it.  The picture is grainy but it was a phone video and really, it doesn’t matter.  Enter nervous breakdown #1.

SHE LANDED ON HER FUCKING HEAD!  The sight of my baby landing on her head, the sound of her crying, and knowing that they did not call an ambulance but instead WALKED HER HOME made me so sick to my stomach.  I watched it and threw all of my homework on the floor and spent the next 2 hours crying in my bed trying not to puke.

The next day, I told her to go to the emergency room.  Keep in mind, she is still away at college.  I planned to drive out there but not knowing if she would be admitted or sent home, I decided to wait until we had some answers.  Amazingly, she was okay with me not going with her since she had other friends with her from school, thank God!  It killed me to not be there but I really was trying to be smart about all of this and not be the freakizoid parent that I truly felt like.

The wonderful doctor at the hospital looked at the scans from Urgent Care and realizing they didn’t scan her spine (and watching the video himself), he ordered a CT of her spine.  TWO spinal fractures at T-10 and T-11.  Also, a concussion and a bruised kidney.

At that point, I drove to the college and brought her home for two days.  She is now in a back brace for 5 weeks and will need physical therapy.

Caitlin, I am soooooo proud of you!!!!!  You have been sooooo brave and so strong during all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have thanked God (and all of my prayer warrior friends) that her spinal fractures were considered “stable fractures” in that there is no risk of spinal cord injury at this point.  I have tried to stop my thoughts there.  God, I have fucking tried.  But two nights ago…

…nervous breakdown #2.

My mind went there.  Oh my God, what IF she DIED??????  I have been doing my homework at the desk we put in her bedroom for the past week now.  I can sit in a chair that is better for my bad back than the bed and I can close out the dog who licks himself like his penis will be his last meal.  Well, that thought hit me while I was doing my work in her room.

I stopped working.  I cleaned up her dresser a little bit.  I looked at all of her cute little trinkets she has.  I stared at the picture of her with her boyfriend.  God, she is the most beautiful girl in the world.  Look at that smile!  I played the Winnie-The-Pooh music jewelry box I gave her when she was two and watched Winnie dance in a circle.  I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. I finally made myself snap out of it when I realized that I was crying and I yelled at myself to knock this shit off.  She IS okay!  She DIDN’T die!  Nicki, what the hell is wrong with you???

I am an EMT.  I have seen horrible, horrible things.  This video was not gory.  There was no blood, no brains, no guts.  And yet, it was the worst thing I have ever seen.  Thank God I didn’t see a video of my son getting hit by a car while on his snowmobile!